I have just been pondering my current relationship with God, and been led again to realize that although I have made tremendous progress since beginning this program, I am still leading a double-life! I am still seeking to cover my sins.
I have been in touch with my Bishop, letting him know through text or email about my progress. I realize now that the carnal part of me wants his praise, and doesn't want to give him 100% of the story. I AM very excited at the good things that are coming into my life since I've been striving to BE PRESENT with my family daily - but am I REALLLY with them 100%. The Spirit is helping me this morning to know that I have not. I love to be around them, but I am still holding back part of myself from them out of selfishness. That is the same part of me that would prefer to not tell the whole truth about other things. The part that doesn't want to admit that I created Pornography using photoshop just a day after reporting to the bishop that I had been clean. Even THEN, I didn't tell him that I had broken through some of the borders he has helped me set up, so that I don't relapse. He has helped me to consider it a "relapse" when I do things that LEAD me to a full relapse. He knows that I have a strong tendency to excuse myself until the unthinkable FULL BLOWN relapse occurs. It's a beautiful way to stay away from the edge, but it requires a tremendous amount of honesty and humility for one so prideful as myself. I am ashamed of FOUR things that I've done, that I need to acknowledge to him, and will benefit this week by admitting that I have had slip-backs, but I am SO GLAD to know that this process is helping me to get a foot-hold on the slippery slope. That browsing the name of an actress that was in an old episode of Star Trek until I 'accidentally' saw her in a pornographic image, EVEN IN A SMALL IMAGE SQUARE such as google images has, and EVEN THOUGH I didn't enlarge the image, that it was a RELAPSE for me. In other words, I have to account for this thing to God, my mentor, and my bishop. That not doing so, just as not admitting that I made an image in photoshop, is all a sign that my full repentance, and ability to say "thy will be done" is not taking place in my heart. I will do these things, as they are the way to happiness, and it doesn't matter what my Bishop THINKS of me! It is what God thinks of me that is important. Why do I strive to cover my sins, when that is a fruitless way to find joy? As I take this obvious, yet painful step, I need to be less worried about my ability to take the sacrament, and more about my relationship with my Savior and with my wife and family. I am going to take this step because I love the Savior, and will progress as I say, once again, "Thy Will Be Done". I have never made any significant progress without being able to say these words.